Archive for the ‘Potty training’ Category

Three tales of bodily functions with a four year old gone horribly awry.  And here I thought Jack’s peeing exploits as a 4 year old couldn’t be topped.

The first is on the evening after I’ve returned from a 5-day business trip for marketing training.  It starts with a yell heard from the bathroom.  “CAN I HAVE SOME BOOKS, PLEASE?”  Peter has settled in to poop and wants reading material.  I figured this gave me about 5-10 minutes before I would hear, “Can you help me wipe?”

It had to be some 15 minutes later before I finally heard that trigger phrase. “Daddy?  Can you help me wipe… the poop off my foot?”  Sure, I can help with… WHAT?  This is like that joke about “Oh, your dog died.”  That bad news means there’s other bad news I haven’t heard…

Sure enough,  despite all that time on the toilet, he got up before he was quite finished.  Poop on the seat, poop on the bathmat, poop on his foot where he stepped on the poop on the bathmat, then poop on the floor in all the places he stepped.  I clean that all up and wipe him, and reflect on the fact that no amount of marketing training can really prepare you for cleaning your son’s poop off of butts, seats, mats, and feet when he fails in the bathroom.

The second story happened later that same night — apparently my 4 year old is a somnambupisst.

The boys have been asleep for an hour, and I’m half-asleep on the couch watching Patriots pre-season. Suddenly I wake up to find Jack at my side because “he has to tell me something.” He woke up to find Peter in his bedroom, with his nighttime pull-up down, PEEING on the carpet in front of him.

Sure enough, there’s a smelly wet spot (and several wet Legos… I told him he should’ve picked those up!) right in the middle of Jack’s room. I find Peter lying on the floor at the top of the stairs, looking shame-faced, and he won’t answer me when I ask him repeatedly, “WHY did you pee on Jack’s floor?” Jack tells me that Peter woke him up crying out for us first, before he wandered in and did the deed. I give Peter a new pull-up, even though his is barely wet, and he dutifully puts it on. I tell him to go back to bed and within 1 minute he’s sound asleep under the covers.  He only vaguely remembers it the next morning.

Add cleaning carpet pee stains to the list of things marketing training did not have on the syllabus.  We have no pets, and yet the bottle of Resolve has come in handy a few too many times.

Finally, a funny one that does NOT involve cleanup work, which happened the next day.  Katherine and I are sitting in the office, post-dinner, emailing and Facebooking and catching up on the world while the boys play in the playroom together.

Peter opens the door to the office, and pokes his head through the crack. “Talk to the hand!” he exclaims.  He replaces his head with his arm, and makes a little puppet with his hand. The puppet whispers: “I gotta go poop!”  Then he disappears into the bathroom while the two of us giggle uncontrollably.

My kids are SILLY. How’d they get that way? Oh. Right.


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Latest Jack observation: “I like the bathrooms at the store because the toilet seats are special. If you’re peeing and you forgot to put the seat up, you can keep peeing ‘cuz there’s a hole in the seat so when you put up the seat it doesn’t make a mess.”

Love that kid.  Except I wonder… is he speaking from experience?  How often does he forget to put the seat up while peeing at home?

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So you may have read about Jack’s previous big no-no with the potty training, where he would pee into a covered plastic bath toy bin in the den when he had a “peeing emergency,” meaning he didn’t want to stop watching television to go to the bathroom and pee.

I have to say I’m proud of the way Katherine handled the latest peeing misadventures by Jack.  She praised him for telling the truth when he admitted he’s been PEEING BEHIND THE CHAIR IN THE DEN ON SOME BLANKETS… then she scolded him for knowing it was wrong and doing it anyways.

I had seen him screwin’ around back there behind the chair, and it always looked like he was up to no good, but for all I could tell he was just hanging out back there.  And then I could detect the faint odor of piss in the room, but couldn’t find a stray diaper or soggy pull-up anywhere.  Luckily the blankets he was peeing on mostly absorbed what he put out, so it didn’t ruin the carpet or the wall back there in that corner.

And when you can say that blankets absorbing pee is an occasion to use the adverb “luckily,” then you know you’re a parent.

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Okay, so Jack had been doing pretty well with going to the bathroom, after stubbornly resisting potty training for the first four years of his life — he COULD do it, he just didn’t WANT to.  But he knew how to go to the bathroom, pee in the toilet, and was even doing well with the pooping.  These are the things you hope for as you change your zillionth diaper and wonder why this person who is almost too heavy to carry hasn’t figured it out yet.

Well, Katherine got a surprise today.  She came into the den to find Jack peeing into a toy bucket.

Her first, immediate course of action?  She left the room to stop from laughing.  Good move.

Upon returning, she put on her sternest face and asked Jack why he did that.  Jack, unmoved, explained that “it was a peeing emergency.”

(Hmmm.  Too late to leave the room again, better just stifle it and keep looking stern.  Stern face!  Stern!)

Apparently he really was enjoying the TV show he was watching, and he didn’t want to miss it so he came up with this as a way to avoid having to leave the den to go to the bathroom.  As friends later pointed out, it’s a good thing this wasn’t going in her coffee cup, or his pants, or somewhere on the floor.  Other friends reminded me that, in my fraternity days, I’ve certainly seen similar peeing emergencies.  (Indeed I have… often in the back of a chartered bus while headed to a retreat weekend, where unusually large supplies of “Coke” were present in the back.)

We taught Jack how to use the pause button on the DVR.  Katherine and I reiterated that peeing into the bucket was not to be repeated.

At least he didn’t spill any of it. We wondered, though, how many times he may have done this before, since he also said, “No mommy, when I have to pee in the den, that’s what I do!”

We didn’t need to wonder much longer.  A few days later, Katherine noticed our plastic storage stepstool was in the den.  Normally it stayed in the bathroom and we kept bathtub toys in it.  She saw it by the wall and went to move it back upstairs.  It said, “Slosh.”   She said, “Oh no.”  She prayed that it was water in there.

Nope, not water.  You guessed it.  It was FULL OF PEE.

Apparently, Jack was emptying his bucket o’ pee into this bin, then putting the lid back on.  Again, quite inventive and practical, and it prevented us from smelling it what with the lid on at all. But this thing was ALMOST FULL.  AHHHHHHHH!

Katherine cornered Jack after his nap.

What’s this?  Did you do this?


Jack, this is PEE in here.   Did you put this in here?

“Oh yeah.”

All said, this is possibly the funniest Jack story we’ve had in his 4 years, and I’m sure no high school girlfriends will ever hear about it, nosirree.  File this one next to the naked baby tubby pictures.

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